Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize