I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
