I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Less talking, more tequila
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize