dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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