Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
