I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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