mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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