the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't deserve a penis
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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