I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
