I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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