You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
