I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
