cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
