guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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