why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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