If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
