I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
