Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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