he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
