i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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