Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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