Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
