Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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