he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
