It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
