your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
