WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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