just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
