It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
