I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
