yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
