I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
