ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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