Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
