dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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