You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
