god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So I just went to clothing optional bar
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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