hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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