My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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