My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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