I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
