The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
