just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
