I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
