when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
