i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
