dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
