Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
