I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
