dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
