Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
