dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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