just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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