I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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